So everyone who visits my site...i really reallly encourage thme on reaidng this...it will hopefully help everyone understand me, and it would help me get things off my chest and stuff like that ..so HAPPY READING THANKS! *~*My Life*~*
Current mood:  confused So...when i say I've had one of the worse lifes ever, im not trying to brag about it, get your sympathy, i just want to educate the people i come in contact with, so hopefully it would help the people understand why i am the way i am. Everything basically started when i was 18 months old. My mother, being a nurse notcied i wasnt breathing correctly. it was very shallow and had got worse as the day went on. So she took me to the hospital. There i was diagnosed with asthma. With my asthma my mother tried not to keep me in a bubble, because you cant do much ativity when you cant breathe, obviously. so she would let me play certain sports, as well as hang iwth my friends i had back then. the only reason i got to do all these sports was because i would take breathing treatments and around 20 pills 2-3 times a day. Breathing treatments would take abobut 20 minutes out of my day, and i would do them around 4-5 times a day. usually i wasnt to embarrssed taking a treatment in fron t of my peers, but that was when i was younger. When i grew older, kids got to be much harsher, and then, things got to be embarrassing, because it wasnt normal for a kid to take that many pills and take breathing treatments. And with doing that i was bound to have the nasty side effects. with that said, i developed osteoperosis, and usually this happens to you when you get older, so i had got made fun of quit a bit, because i was turning into an old woman at such a young age. Since the kids at school were so mean they would say something like sarah gets the senior discount, when i went up to pay for my food at lunch, in school. Things like that would really get me down to the point i cried myself to sleep. And over the past years osteoperosis had beaten me and i broke the same bone three times. The thing that gave me most of my side effects were because of the steroids i used to take for my asthma. They caused a lot of my complications. First of all i gained a bunch of weight, and it really made me depressed because i was jus tstarting my middle school career and thats like a place to build your reputation for high school. In middle school i had no guys look at my unless it was to make fun of me. I used to be called a chipmunk because it made my cheeks really bg to the point i didnt even have to smile and my eyes would look like they were shut. i weighed so much i got called butterball by the guy i had a crush on. And when i would come home, the teasing still didnt end. My father gave me a really really hard time. that really hurt me. Anyways after getting made fun of for my weight problem that i had no control over i developed major eye problems. The steroids gave me pressure on my eyes, which the pressure was spinal fluid. i would get severe headaches and it caused me to lose over 50 % of my vision in both eyes. Just waiting out the headaches, they gave me spinal taps to drain the fluid and let the pressure off. all together i had 7 spinal taps and 35-40 sticks between the 7. Since that was getting me no where they decided to do eye surgery. i missed 3 months of school for that. Everything was just going great, till my asthma started acting up again. i have been to the hospital 3 times in just 2 weeks.and not just to the emergency, but actially staying for a couple of days. So it got to the point where here in Dayton at the hospital they couldnt help me anymore, so they sent me to Denver Colorado, for a little over a month. While i was there i started having really bad stomach problems to where i couldnt eat anything without getting sick afterwards. So they did stomach surgery while i was there to. Finally i got to fly back home and be with my family, and i was just in time for Christmas. They had a welcome home party for me, but my popular cousins were to embarrassed to mingle with me because i was so overweight. Finally i got to go a few months without haviung any problems. i finally got off my steroids when i was like 14. I was on them for 10 years, and i was getting ready for highschool. i started to see i lost a lot of weight and noticed some boys were actually interested, so i told myself i want more attention, so i wanted to look better. I started a dangerous diet and lost over 50 lbs in 2 months. i looked great, highschool just started and i was getting into the popluar crowd. i had confidence and just everything felt great. Everything WAS great, till i went to a party one night. There my life changed. i started into drugs, smoking, and drinking. you name it....i did it. I got more guys' attetion, and the popular girls wanted to be with me and i loved it. I still wanted to please everyone a little bit more, so i got sexual, and plus i thought it was the thing to do, but let me tell you...ITS NOT! i started hearing rumors and i hated it. I got all depressed did drugs everyday, and let me tell you life was literally hell. Nothing mattered, not school, family, friends, nothing. So i htought one way to solve this would be to get rid of it...including me. I thouhgt to hang myself. i got home from school one day, found some rope and said lets do it. But dad drove into the driveway before i could do anything.Later that night i told my parents i needed medical help. Fromt here i spent restless nights in the hospital. total ive gone through 6 of those mental hosital stays and 3 partial programs, which i am at now. Mental hospitals you stay there for about 2 weeks, and you have counseling groups and things like that. Your family may visit only if you do good. In partial programs, you dont go to regular school, because you go to the program from 8-3 monday through friday and do schooling and counseling. I hate it, because i miss everyone. In the hospital and program i would hit and cuss everyone out there including staff. i was so violent, it was pathetic, because all i did was hurt everyone i knew and hurt my family really bad, because i would ask for their moeny to help me, and i spent it hitting and cussing people out. i was getting no where. an di was falling further away from the ones that loved me, and who actually did care, which i didnt know. i finally ended up at a church, with a friend one night, and things would take a turn for the better. Though everyhting was going great, my grades were up , ive been clean of drugs since july of 05, i stopped hittingand cussing people out, and i was making true friends, i loved it there at the church until... My father developed cancer on his birthday, or thats when we found out. He had to have surgery on his stomach, and since then hes had every side effect. i feel horrible, becausei dont want to be the bad guy when he dies. I want to show him that i truly do love him and want to be there for his last days. But all i have been is the bad guy. My life changed when i found out my father doesnt have much time to live. All i do now is everything to help out. And im trying to show him i do love him and want to be there. i feel horrible about the bad times i put him and my mother through, andhe gets this disease from God. He crys to me all the time saying im sorry i wont be there when you graduate or im sorry i wont get to walk you down the isle. I hurts me so bad to that i treated him like crap, and now he has cancer...? he doesnt deserve that. Now living day by day, my life really has changed forever and for the better. i went to a church that apreciated me for who i was, even if i have done all the bad things in life. I made true friends here, even the first day i stepped inside. This is were i want to be when i grow up, to be in a church like that some day. I ve started reading the bible. my life has been making sense , and people appreciate and truly notice me for who i am, and not some drunk poser, who wants to be like everyone else. God taught me be who you are and youll get noticed. Do what you want, what you think, what you know, and what you believe, and youll succeed in life, and be heard, because you different, and because your not like everyone else or normal. I learned that eing different is good because people dont like everyday normal things. I learned that no matter what you do in life, youll always have the greatest true friend, who is God. I ve learned yeah, my dad is very ill, and ive had a rough life, but its not the question...why us? its more like, he could have had it either way, to die of 3 rd degree burns in a fire, or knowing the last moments of your life and living them to the fullest, with some opsticles. Which would you have? And God will ALWAYS choose the better one, he ALWAYS does. Making my father go throuh this, taught me part of my life, it taught me what i had done was wrong,but forget about the past, you cant change it, live for today, not the past. Because you will never relive that one minute in your life again, so make every minute the best you can make it. God has taught me many things in life, in just a couple of months, and i cant wait to see what he has in store for me for the rest of my life. I have a lot more to learn, and im ready to take that step, to learn the things and to live the way God wants me to. So i guess, even though ive had a crappy life, and made it a crappy life for others, i can say i learned a great lesson, early in my life, and not when im 21 or something. Im so greatful for my life and everyones around me, ecspecially at the churhc and Gods life, because everyone has help me change it for the better. Thanks for reading it.. give me some good comments because i have to read it to a group of people and im nervous and i want to make sure its ok!! THANK YOU God Bless!!! <3 Sarah | 
